Mental Health: Barriers to Feeling Certain Emotions

 

I think I have noticed something about myself.  I have a lot of trouble *feeling triumphant*, even when I have really good successes.  For example, I have lost weight and built up my biceps and chest muscles very well.  I weigh 160 pounds and can do around 30 push-ups at least, and my biceps look good.  I still don't feel triumphant or that good about it, though.  That might be a symptom of depression, I'm not sure.


I think I am unable to accept that the end date is before August 1, 2026, because if I felt that way, I would feel triumphant, and I'm not able to feel that way.  I think the barrier to feeling triumphant is more intense than my inability to feel relief...sometimes I do feel a little bit of relief these days, including when I am feeling tender.


I will think about what I can do to feel more triumphant in the future.  I can feel good about having an insight or "making progress"--I like to listen to the "THX sound effect" from movies on YouTube to accompany such feelings--but I can't seem to feel "overall thrilled and overjoyed" that things are going to go my way.  It may be because the last several times I felt that way, something really bad happened related to law enforcement, in jail and while I was living in Henrico, VA.


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