I Feel That My Mental Health Is Better

 

My FOMO ("fear of missing out") due to codes is improving.  Also, I now discard codes that don't seem like they were gestured directly at me.  Some things that people have done to convince me to pay attention to their gestures and what time it is are, wearing a mask, and raising their eyebrows at me when I look at them.  Those sorts of gestures influence me to take notice.


I got one code that said "eu blush" today.  I was careful not to let my imagination get carried away.  Sometimes, in the past, it has been tempting to think that I could envision what people were doing and thinking and saying in "away-from-me closed-door settings," and I would feel smarter than I really was and give in to speculative thinking.  I'm getting better at rejecting that kind of thing.


Based on all the activity around me, including friendly activity and unfriendly activity, I began to wonder if Martin Foods got rid of me very quickly, a layoff within 2 weeks of employment, based on some sort of favor for someone who asked them to eliminate my job?  I was doing a very good job.  I bet some bad cop on the Houston Police force, or some corporate worker who had a connection to Martin Foods, could have asked to get me laid off very quickly.  Back then, I thought I would easily get another job...but it wasn't the case.


I also sort of wondered if The Monarch Community sabotaged my other jobs on purpose.  I was very late to a number of the job interviews...once due to a mis-typed address, and once due to the transportation guy saying he had somewhere else to go.  One company, AutoNation, seemed very positive on me in the interview, but I had shown up to the interview 30 minutes late, and then I never heard back from them.


I also wonder if they set up my e-bike wrong on purpose.  I have decided that I am not using that thing.  It could be that the Monarch Community has a connection to someone who has been asking them to mess up my job search efforts.  I had noticed increased hostile tone of voice used by Monarch staff when interacting with me for a few days.  Also, Dr. Fowler did an odd impression with a different voice during a therapy session.  I heard Samantha Denley do an odd voice too around the same time.  It could be that the person requesting the sabotage is one of my parents.


Anyway, I got a grand total of two appropriate and good sounding codes today on my walk from 12:30 to 2:30 p.m.  I will contemplate them on my own when I lie down to rest in a few minutes.  I will walk again at around 7 p.m. tonight.  My to do list has basically cleared up, since I gave up on the job search for now and am not using the e-bike.  I do sort of think Monarch might have deliberately sabotaged my job search.  If I get on disability I can try again, though.


One thing I talked about in group with Corinne, who is actually pretty good as a therapist, is trusting other people.  A few people had that issue.  I need to work on "not thinking it's naive to trust anyone."  For now, I am selecting Dr. Steg and Dr. Glasser as two people I believe can trust.  Thus, the ordeal will very likely end by July 31, assuming that is true.  Somehow, it doesn't get the "synapses firing" or whatever when I say that.  I was paranoid for too long, I can't feel a sense of relief or even a sense of belief when I think about that.  I am trying to stay with that, though, because trust and my mental health and overcoming paranoia are all important things.


One thing to think about:  What makes Dr. Steg and Dr. Glasser different from all the other people, who haven't said the date as clearly?  Did I get the date from the two key codes today, also?

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